My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
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Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Just how popey was the pope today?
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.