My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
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My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Plant care tips
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I could NOT have put it better myself.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.