My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
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Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
White Castle for the Win
The best shot in the history of golf
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
cats when you pet them too long: