My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
You Might Also Like
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I remember when things only cost an arm.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now