My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
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(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”