My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
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This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
