My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
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If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.