My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
The booster protects against what, now?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Go girl power!
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?