my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
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Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
so weird how every mom was born today
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.