My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
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Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.