My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
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Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My wife gives the best headache.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]