My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.