My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
You Might Also Like
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.