My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
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IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Ugh
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?