My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
You Might Also Like
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.