My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
You Might Also Like
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Coffee is ready.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
“I FIXED IT!”