My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
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throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.