My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
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Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I’m being attacked 😭
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My work here is done
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
What kind of a cult is this?
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds