My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
reduce, reuse, recycle
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you