My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
peak technology
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐