My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
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I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.