My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
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GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here