My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
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No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
You better watch out
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
We avoided this particular disaster
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]