My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
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Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I need better friends
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.