My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
You got this…
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
A drum solo but on your face.