My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
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Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
how high up are we talkin’?
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?