My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
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picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”