My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Coffee is ready.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.