My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
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Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.