My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
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Facebook marketplace is a different world
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?