My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
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Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
The glockness monster
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.