My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
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Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.