My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.