My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
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Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
January has been Januweary
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
ugh not again