My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
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*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Still laughing at this stupid meme