My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
You Might Also Like
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
live, laugh, laundry.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.