My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
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Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Hello Twits.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.