My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
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My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means