My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk