My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
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hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
me hitting on a model
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Childbirth is so beautiful
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.