My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it