My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
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This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
December birthdays be like…