My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
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4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Nice try Hitler
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
That stupid look on my face, is my face
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”