My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
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Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.