My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
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Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere