My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
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If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled