My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
is this a threat
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back