My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.