@timdonakowski Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
@LostFelicia My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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@timdonakowski 
@magicraisin She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
@KalvinMacleod [lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
@AndyrealAl Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
@joeljeffrey Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
@ozzyunc “OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
@AtticusFinch79 *taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
@seandunn76 This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
@Cheeseboy22 I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
@WittySassBasket If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.