@LostFelicia

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

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@T_N_Crumpets

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up

@KevinFarzad

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

@bridger_w

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

@bornmiserable

“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean

@ArfMeasures

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

@

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@daemonic3

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family