My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.