My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

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Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.


She said: “I want to have your children.”
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”


[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone


Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠


Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?


“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten


*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*


This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob


I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.