My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
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*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god