My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works